Friday, October 26, 2018

Third Trimester Thoughts


As I approach the end of my pregnancy, I find myself a little baffled as to how we got this far along. It seems like just days ago that I was sharing the news with my closest friends and writing this post to share the news with all of you.

This second pregnancy has truly flown by, which leaves me feeling a lot of things at the same time. I am thankful that aside from some nausea it has been a fairly easy pregnancy. I feel grateful to be able to carry this sweet babe. I alluded to our struggles with secondary infertility in this post but didn’t go in to detail. (And honestly I probably won’t.) Staring at negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test seems a life time ago now but the significance of being able to carry a baby is not lost on me and as we near the end of a second healthy pregnancy I find myself feeling overwhelmingly grateful for the opportunity to carry this baby. Both of my babies really.

But there are other feelings, too. I feel overwhelmed with things left to do and check off the list. A closet to finish organizing. Baby gear to wash and finish re-assembling. Bottles and pump parts to clean and sterilize. A kitchen cabinet to organize so that I have a place for bottles and such. A hospital bag to pack. 

I feel large, which is proof that baby is growing but something as women we just don't like to feel. I feel achy and sore and tired. And short-tempered and out of patience. Bless my husband.

I also feel anxious about the changing dynamic in our family. With Corey traveling so much Madeline and I have our routine down pat. We are used to spending most of the week just the two of us. Having our coffee and milk on the couch under a blanket in the morning just us girls. Making easy dinners and going on outings together. Ordering a nonfat, 3 pump PSL with a birthday cake pop on our weekly Starbucks runs. When Corey returned to work after Madeline was born I was absolutely terrified, starting ahead at five long days with just the two of us. But, we have gotten used to our routine now and the girl time while she is so little is so sweet albeit exhausting at times. Yet, I feel my heart start to race when I think about adding a tiny, very needy little person into that routine and wondering how will I possibly take care of everyone. How will I keep everyone alive and happy and give them all that they need. That has me feeling a little terrified all over again!


Then, selfishly, I wonder how in the world I will ever have time for the things I need and enjoy just for myself ever again. Barre classes, mani-pedi's, a really good workout, this blog, a business I enjoy that sends a check home with my name on it.

I feel all kinds of emotional knowing this is likely my last pregnancy. I don't think you'll hear me changing my mind about that but I still feel a wave of emotions knowing that in just a few short weeks I won't ever get to feel those little kicks inside me ever again. I'm at the point over the last couple weeks where pregnancy has gotten less, um, enjoyable, and some of those unpleasant end of pregnancy symptoms have shown up and I find myself wishing it away and feeling simultaneously relieved and guilty about how quickly the time is passing.  

I feel really nervous about the delivery quite honestly. My doctor nixed the idea of a babymoon due to my history and some symptoms that have surfaced over the last two weeks, which left me feeling super emotional and sad about not being able to travel for a little one-on-one time with my husband.  Since he travels for work and is away from us so often I really look forward to our quarterly weekends away and date nights so this news had me in tears. And also wishing we had planned one for earlier in my pregnancy.  It also left my stomach in knots thinking about the delivery and the possibility for a complication. I know I chose the right practice and am delivering at the right hospital and the likelihood of everything being just fine this time far exceeds the likelihood that it won’t. But memories of suddenly starting to bleed heavily and that cold, shaky low blood pressure feeling when I was home alone with my newborn have definitely been surfacing and have me feeling a little nervous.

Corey, Madeline, and I all thrive on routine. We're all pretty regimented, Type A people so I feel moments of panic just thinking about the newborn phase and lack of predictability. Of course, it also seems forever ago that Madeline was a tiny, cuddly newborn so it definitely helps knowing I'm in for some sweet snuggles while all our schedules and routines are being turned upside down.

Change is hard and sweet all at the same time. And having a baby is one of the biggest changes of all. I am getting so excited to meet our sweet boy, to hold him, and to see his sweet face. But can't help feeling a little overwhelmed with all that is to come, too. Mommas of two of more, I would love all your tips for a smooth (as possible) transition. 



4 comments:

  1. I know you will do great! I'm sorry that it didn't work for you to take a babymoon. I wonder if you could do a night away in your town and maybe treat yourself to a massage? I hope you can find a way to rejuvenate yourself before baby boy comes!

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  2. Love you sweet friend. It will be a tough transition, but you will get through it. Madeline will thrive, new baby will thrive, you will find a new normal. Just take your time. And continue to make time for yourself. You need it to be a good wife and mama.

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  3. What a sweet and true post! All of those thoughts are so real! Change is hard but I have a feeling this will end up being the best change yet(:

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  4. I love your honesty and vulnerability. I'm sure your family will adjust to the new baby just fine, but any big change is hard, even if it's good. Sending you love!

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